The Round Rectangle..........

This is my first blog after the suicide note.... I have been thinking about it for a long time, it scares, am no longer whom I used to be. I was a closed book on the shelf, now I am an open book on the street, and many have read me. Being all over the media with ny story is chilling, and it not a good feeling. Most think that it is the road to healing, but no, it is not. The road to healing is quiet and private, inside my psychologist's room and inside my head. This other public road is a sacrifice, a sacrifice I have made for the young girls and boys growing up who should never experience rape. A sacrifice for my cousin who hanged himself before having had the chance to share the pain he felt, and so I sacrifice so that no one has to die the suicidal way. A sacrifice for those who are close to people with suicidal ideations, so that they do not throw them out to the dogs for misinformation. A sacrifice for the Mental Health community, that has been shut off due the invisibi

This place feels good, there is peace, there is tranquility. Am fired up, I have been here before, but I have never been this fired up, I wish I had this much motivation in my previous years. I am headed to a place where my rapists will no longer invade my nights, humans will no longer torture my emotions, there shall be no religion to judge me anymore. My shortcomings shall not be recited to me. Oh how sweet it shall be. I want the exit to be enjoyable, for me, I want to enjoy the pain of life one more time, I want to feel that for once I have brought freedom to myself and the pain will not torture me, it will free me. I no longer feel hopeless, or irrelevant  or weak or alone, or unloved, or ugly... Oh my, I feel so in-charge, I feel like a hero for chartering my own peace. No more lies from humans, no more of that bad stuff. I remember I have a daughter, am sorry to her, and some people who call themselves family - ooohh pliz! Maybe they will never forgive me, but does it

Friends and acquaintances... I will leave family out of this.. I have taken time to look back at my relationships with friends and acquaintances, the memories, the photos, videos et al.. I have also taken time to sweep through Facebook and other social media pages just to see the trends... One thing is true, most of all that is shown out to the world; photos and videos with the people in our lives while we are happy with them, or standing there for each other during the tough times, still looking good and dressed well.  Where photos of hospital or such sad times are posted, they are limited to just a few, to create the illusion of improvement. What happens when you want to take a lovely selfie yet your friend is not looking all glam as you are? Would you still take the selfie if your friend is all laid back and stepped out in sleep clothes? Would you still laugh with your friend if your friend is having "light up" issues and is looking not exactly as good as "he

"We all want our children to accomplish big things..." No! I do not want that for my child! I have heard that statement too many times. Parents describing how they would want their children to be the best, doctors, lawyers, athletes, with one big talent or another. Some parents go to the extent of bribing their way for their children's excellence. Parents will push and push and push their children to better grades in school, to certain "cool" friendship circles. As they get into adulthood, they will push them into what they consider ideal mannerisms, designer clothes, and lifestyle expectations. Children will live most of their lives trying to achieve life standards set by others, their parents included. Being at the point I am in life, having seen what I have, having lost what I have, gained what I have, I have a different approach to parenthood. MY CHILD DOES NOT OWE ME A CERTAIN KIND OF LIFE! I AM THE ONE WHO OWES MY CHILD. Be

Shithole! I am seated here, looking out into the horizon.....  Earphones blazing in my ears but I cannot hear the music. The two songs playing and replaying in my ears have no meaning today, just like yesterday, and the day before....... I feel overwhelmed and alone. A few people want to be there for me and I appreciate that but my mind has locked itself out. I do not enjoy being alive; 99% of the time I am just swimming in this dark world. It is a Sunday. I hate Sundays! They are the days Christians bring out their self righteous lives to judge and condemn those like me who find themselves finding comfort in sin every so often. I believe in God, I do, no doubt, but I have a problem with His leading people down here. It is all around me. It's not any easier that my mother is a pastor. (If she reads this I'm roast, you know demons doing their thing kind of thing? Shithole!) Then there is the obsession with materialism, Jesus! This is not what you taught us, how

Am not sure this one will go well with some people. Oh wait, just remembered am not on a people pleasing mission. So, getting on with it, am not at a very good place right now, few weeks ago, for the second time, people I had devoted my time to, betrayed me. Rewind… Am that kind of person who really goes out of my when I decide to. You know I put in my time, resources and literally just sacrifice for whatever I put my mind to doing. This means that when people involved decide to ‘ef’ me up, it goes really nasty on my mind. Play… Within the first half of this year, I have faced tremendous betrayal through this dedication habit I have. The first time I, you know, applied my shock absorbers, my meds and somehow managed to seem to push through (little did I know). Then came the second time, it caught me too much off-guard, plus it was accompanied by a bad physical illness attack and this time I had no shock absorbers. Just as I was trying to figure out if am in a dream or al

My Cousin Job Passed on. Let me rephrase that; My Cousin Job took his life.. - wait, he couldn't have taken his life, he always had it. Let me rephrase that too; MY COUSIN COMMITTED SUICIDE. By Hanging. The Pain... It is exactly 12 days today 12 June 2018 since my cousin hanged himself. It is exactly 12 days since he did what I couldn't do - Get through with it. See I have attempted suicide before, not once, not twice and it's not a pretty thing to live with. Even rape is prettier. Rewind. I write this because of pain. And am from a sitting with some two friends of mine and I told them that my cousin committed suicide and they said "you know someone who has attempted suicide before gets through with it at some point" - I swallowed hard, felt a sharp pain in my chest... Who is this cousin I speak of? Job was the last born of my maternal aunt, and at age 22 it got to him. I am in pain, pain from different sides. I am in pain of loss, for having l

Valentine, you are such a strong woman, I wouldn't handle half of what you have gone through. You know what happens to bullet proof glass if you kept shooting at it? It shatters, over and over again from the inside, but, still stays strong. And then the deal breaker shot is fired and Boom! The glass shatters into small pieces. Pieces which cannot be put back together. The only way to bring this back together is to heat the glass under high temperatures, melt it and form it into another shape of glass altogether. You know what happens to normal glass when you throw a stone to it? It breaks, into large peaces. These pieces can be glued back together. So next time, take this into consideration before you call someone strong. There is a thin line between strong and damaged.

Many have asked me recently if I am still in Rotary or not, why? Well, because I was frequently posting nice Rotary experiences on Social Media which I no longer do. It is like celebrities, you know how they post their 'baes' on social media then stop and speculation of break-ups start? Well, that kind of thing. In my case though, I stopped posting on social media all-together, but most of my social media friends did not notice that, and if they did, the right question would have been "I no longer see you post on social media, are you well?" That's besides the point. I write this with so much fear of possible stigma that may follow me. I have not been in Rotary for a while now. "But why Valentine? You were so active.." I know, I was there. I have not been in Rotary because I got sick and I got broke. "Oh shoot, you seemed so healthy all through.." I know, it is not a physical illness, it is mental. Let's not talk about the money, it

Am constantly called strong, yet am constantly doubting it. The biggest challenge in my life is the emptiness that engulfs me whenever I open up to someone about my mental struggles and they walk away. Opening up eats away a part of me, exposing my vulnerability more than the previous time. To the rest of the crowd it seems easier each time because I get to tell a deeper story, to me it's harder each time. Will you start viewing me different when you finish reading this? There is a thin line between strong and damaged, it is hard to tell where I lie. My only prayer is that my tear, my struggle and my pain impacts a life positively by shining a ray hope upon despair. Am not sure about being lonely, but I am sure I am alone. My fake smiles, fake happy attitudes and other weird kind of fakes make daylight easier to live through in the face of this stugmatising world. So when someone says am awesome, how would I know I actually am? Been doing this for so long I sometime