The Tired Machine

Am not sure this one will go well with some people.

Oh wait, just remembered am not on a people pleasing mission.

So, getting on with it, am not at a very good place right now, few weeks ago, for the second time, people I had devoted my time to, betrayed me.

Rewind…

Am that kind of person who really goes out of my when I decide to. You know I put in my time, resources and literally just sacrifice for whatever I put my mind to doing. This means that when people involved decide to ‘ef’ me up, it goes really nasty on my mind.

Play…

Within the first half of this year, I have faced tremendous betrayal through this dedication habit I have. The first time I, you know, applied my shock absorbers, my meds and somehow managed to seem to push through (little did I know).

Then came the second time, it caught me too much off-guard, plus it was accompanied by a bad physical illness attack and this time I had no shock absorbers. Just as I was trying to figure out if am in a dream or alien world, my cousin departed.

So, when I say am not at a good place I mean it.

The thing is, these kind of things are not new to me, no. But let me give an example I gave somewhere, There is glass you just hit once and it breaks into big pieces, you know, the kind of pieces you can actually put back together with the right materials. Then there is glass, the strong kind, which you hit and nothing happens, then you hit again and it shatters from the inside but stays intact. Keep hitting, keep shattering, deforming into pieces too small to be stuck together by any kind of material. This we call damaged.

So there is a thin line between strong people and damaged people.

Moving on…

So since I have started writing about my mental health experiences especially on Facebook, The holy angels, perfect mary’s and know it alls of social media have decided to invade into my life with all sorts of accusations, conclusions and police suspect questions. I will just a few;

1. What’s going on? Are you going crazy?
2. What happened to you?
3. Life is hard to everyone so suck it up… Stop parading your problems to the world...
4. Why would a beautiful woman like you want to commit suicide? (I still do not understand how beauty can prevent suicide, anyway… And, no one wants to commit suicide – story for another day)
5. I think you just are selfish, ‘hizi ni vitu za kujiletea’ – Translated ‘these are things you wish on yourself’
6. Imagine if you just decide it, you will stop being like that –  like how?(tell your friend with flu to decide and it will go or better still the person who has cancer to decide and it will go)
7. (Most Painful) – I had a problem just like yours but bigger so yours is nothing… (This will take me a long long time to come to terms with)

Anyways let me stop there because 7 is my lucky number.

So, what’s the point of writing all this?

I simply have to say this, if you know you are not genuine, do not bother with me. It doesn’t make a difference. If you do not know the right questions to ask me, do not ask me any. And if you know that you do not have a solution after I answer a certain question that you will ask, then by all means do not ask me.

If you do not know me and what I have been through, then do not put me into some lame statistic you saw in a movie or a website.

I am tired of all the fakeness around and despite the terrible state I am in, I would rather be alone than with 100 fake humans.

Lastly, please, if you do not understand what assault is, or mental illness or suicide then do not go lecturing people about how they can perfect their lives, you've got to realise that at times, perfection is hidden in imperfection...

Someone out here celebrates small victories such as making a bed; or singing a song to the end, looking their boss in the eye, sleeping without a nightmare, clearing the sink et al. someone else is busy behind their keyboard bringing down the person for their struggles.

Am not sure which I feel more at this moment, pissed or sick?