Is it "Sour Love" or "Sweet Hate?"

Many have asked me recently if I am still in Rotary or not, why? Well, because I was frequently posting nice Rotary experiences on Social Media which I no longer do. It is like celebrities, you know how they post their 'baes' on social media then stop and speculation of break-ups start? Well, that kind of thing. In my case though, I stopped posting on social media all-together, but most of my social media friends did not notice that, and if they did, the right question would have been "I no longer see you post on social media, are you well?" That's besides the point.

I write this with so much fear of possible stigma that may follow me.

I have not been in Rotary for a while now. "But why Valentine? You were so active.." I know, I was there. I have not been in Rotary because I got sick and I got broke. "Oh shoot, you seemed so healthy all through.." I know, it is not a physical illness, it is mental. Let's not talk about the money, it's lost and gained all the time...

Rewind.

I have always had mental health issues. Some people may have noted my 'jumpiness', hyperactivity tendencies and those close to me have noted weird depressive moments e.t.c. This is because I have Bipolar and Anxiety Disorders. (Am still learning how to talk about my mental illness. My hands are shaking as I type this, my heart is palpitating and I feel nauseated. I will not manage to re-read this blog - that is, if I actually post it). I realize that this might be used against me but, well, it's alright.

Moving on.

At some point I found Rotary, and learnt that it was the one place I could release my energies at. Rotary presented a place to channel my heart, new challenges each day, and it also presented people and an opportunity to positively ease off. For someone with Bipolar and a happy soul, Rotary was like a dream come true and I took it head on, with both feet in.

Then the worst happened, a calamity hit me and I relapsed and went into a roller coaster of life. My finances nose dived, my social life nose dived, my mental health nose dived and the only thing I was left with was Rotary. Rotary kept me going, kept me busy gave me hope each day until it dawned on me that it was not the place for someone with a "sick" life. I was unable to meet my financial obligation in Rotary and I was asked to leave. 

Rewind.

Rotary had presented to me a place of friendship, and it was very much preached (I believed it still is), but in my former club (RC Nyeri), I did not see the friendship. I saw it happen to several other people who did not meet the 'class' level of the elite few who run the show, but I held on to the hope that things would improve. I visited other clubs, interacted with Rotarians elsewhere in a bid to prove my fears wrong, and what I saw was that it was a 50/50 chance. While some clubs thrived on standing with one of their own when things got thick, some clubs were strong on abandoning those not within accepted 'class' levels.

Moving on.

I have wanted to say this for a while now, ROTARY (NYERI) LET ME DOWN. At a point when I needed a friend most, at a point when suicide was constantly on my mind, all I got was fuel to a fire. Reaching out was unheard of, it is a game of out of sight, out of mind. It would be natural for a human to want sometime off an institution, but checking in on them to just be sure that they are okay even when away goes a long way, after all we are humans not animals right?

My being evicted was not an issue to me, after all I had not settled one of my obligation as a Rotarian (Financial), it was the lack of empathy that ached me. It felt like I had been part of a virtual entity with serial numbers and icons as modes of identification. Maybe, just maybe, the very much preached 'Networking Opportunity' in Rotary would have helped me at that time, no? I shall never know...

Now. 

I still believe the objective of Rotary to the community is right. The institution as an entity is on course to SERVE HUMANITY. I am healing from this Rotary break-up, may take a few months or a few years, I do not know, but what I know is, true love never dies and what I developed for Rotary is True Love.

I pray that no Rotarian has to go through what I have gone through. I pray that no Mentally ill Rotarian has to go through what I have gone through.

I will still continue with the Rotary projects I donated my services to on a long term basis, since at the end of it all, my heart is joyous when I see smiles in the community.

My only quagmire is;- When I get back to Rotary because of a better financial capability, will that not beat logic of service? The profiling and 'class' differentiation in Rotary Club of Nyeri and others, can it be addressed or will it keep being a block to service to humanity?