The Round Rectangle..........

This place feels good, there is peace, there is tranquility. Am fired up, I have been here before, but I have never been this fired up, I wish I had this much motivation in my previous years. I am headed to a place where my rapists will no longer invade my nights, humans will no longer torture my emotions, there shall be no religion to judge me anymore. My shortcomings shall not be recited to me. Oh how sweet it shall be. I want the exit to be enjoyable, for me, I want to enjoy the pain of life one more time, I want to feel that for once I have brought freedom to myself and the pain will not torture me, it will free me. I no longer feel hopeless, or irrelevant  or weak or alone, or unloved, or ugly... Oh my, I feel so in-charge, I feel like a hero for chartering my own peace. No more lies from humans, no more of that bad stuff. I remember I have a daughter, am sorry to her, and some people who call themselves family - ooohh pliz! Maybe they will never forgive me, but does it

Friends and acquaintances... I will leave family out of this.. I have taken time to look back at my relationships with friends and acquaintances, the memories, the photos, videos et al.. I have also taken time to sweep through Facebook and other social media pages just to see the trends... One thing is true, most of all that is shown out to the world; photos and videos with the people in our lives while we are happy with them, or standing there for each other during the tough times, still looking good and dressed well.  Where photos of hospital or such sad times are posted, they are limited to just a few, to create the illusion of improvement. What happens when you want to take a lovely selfie yet your friend is not looking all glam as you are? Would you still take the selfie if your friend is all laid back and stepped out in sleep clothes? Would you still laugh with your friend if your friend is having "light up" issues and is looking not exactly as good as "he

"We all want our children to accomplish big things..." No! I do not want that for my child! I have heard that statement too many times. Parents describing how they would want their children to be the best, doctors, lawyers, athletes, with one big talent or another. Some parents go to the extent of bribing their way for their children's excellence. Parents will push and push and push their children to better grades in school, to certain "cool" friendship circles. As they get into adulthood, they will push them into what they consider ideal mannerisms, designer clothes, and lifestyle expectations. Children will live most of their lives trying to achieve life standards set by others, their parents included. Being at the point I am in life, having seen what I have, having lost what I have, gained what I have, I have a different approach to parenthood. MY CHILD DOES NOT OWE ME A CERTAIN KIND OF LIFE! I AM THE ONE WHO OWES MY CHILD. Be

Shithole! I am seated here, looking out into the horizon.....  Earphones blazing in my ears but I cannot hear the music. The two songs playing and replaying in my ears have no meaning today, just like yesterday, and the day before....... I feel overwhelmed and alone. A few people want to be there for me and I appreciate that but my mind has locked itself out. I do not enjoy being alive; 99% of the time I am just swimming in this dark world. It is a Sunday. I hate Sundays! They are the days Christians bring out their self righteous lives to judge and condemn those like me who find themselves finding comfort in sin every so often. I believe in God, I do, no doubt, but I have a problem with His leading people down here. It is all around me. It's not any easier that my mother is a pastor. (If she reads this I'm roast, you know demons doing their thing kind of thing? Shithole!) Then there is the obsession with materialism, Jesus! This is not what you taught us, how