One Too Many...

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Friends and acquaintances... I will leave family out of this..

I have taken time to look back at my relationships with friends and acquaintances, the memories, the photos, videos et al.. I have also taken time to sweep through Facebook and other social media pages just to see the trends...

One thing is true, most of all that is shown out to the world; photos and videos with the people in our lives while we are happy with them, or standing there for each other during the tough times, still looking good and dressed well.  Where photos of hospital or such sad times are posted, they are limited to just a few, to create the illusion of improvement.

What happens when you want to take a lovely selfie yet your friend is not looking all glam as you are? Would you still take the selfie if your friend is all laid back and stepped out in sleep clothes?

Would you still laugh with your friend if your friend is having "light up" issues and is looking not exactly as good as "he/she should"?

Let me explain - Sometimes, due to my mental condition I will want to move around looking just as I am, sometimes I will not comb my hair, I will prefer oversized clothes. Sometimes the energy and motivation to look the "normal" kind of way will not be there. One time I met someone in town when I had my PJs and slip-ons and they literally refused to say hi to me despite me giving them my best smile... I was not sad, I was not even in my depressed state, no, I was actually very hyper but in that low kind of way...

So, what I have seen is, as soon as I decide to open up to a friend about my challenges, they will see that am "not all that" and will not want to be part of my life. Like, 'Valentine's got too much baggage, let her put her life in order first'. After all once my "life is in order" the photos will be pretty and the discussions about how to be successful and happy will be possible.

I recently decided to update my profile photo on Facebook. This was after a period of posting some not very attractive posts. Now, the photo (it is quite an old photo btw), got so many likes and loves and comments followed by inboxes of how beautiful/good I looked. All of a sudden some people wanted to have coffee with me, all of a sudden I got "I will look for you" messages - and true, they are actually looking for me.

I appreciate the compliments, a lot. After all, from my photo I now look "friendable". But, it makes me even much more sad. People want the me who looks good, not genuinely, because they do not want to be part of the process.

I have always loved being there for friends, but with each passing day, I want fewer friends, I enjoy solitude more, simply because these friendships are not two way and that adds a lot of pressure to my mind.

I want to be there for people who do not know me but need the friendship, I want to fill a gap in people's lives, people from whom I will expect NOTHING in return.

These friendships of thinking I have person A or B whom I thought I would count on, yet they are on the judgement high table are not my cup of tea anymore.

I want to have just one person in my life who loves me when am not glammed up. I want to have someone I do not have to mask up to, that when it is glam, we glam up together, and when the glam disappears we sail through the dullness together.

JUST ONE.


valentinenyakiere@gmail.com

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