Dull Flowers
Shithole!
I am seated here, looking out into the horizon..... Earphones blazing in my ears but I cannot hear the music. The two songs playing and replaying in my ears have no meaning today, just like yesterday, and the day before.......
I feel overwhelmed and alone. A few people want to be there for me and I appreciate that but my mind has locked itself out. I do not enjoy being alive; 99% of the time I am just swimming in this dark world.
It is a Sunday. I hate Sundays! They are the days Christians bring out their self righteous lives to judge and condemn those like me who find themselves finding comfort in sin every so often. I believe in God, I do, no doubt, but I have a problem with His leading people down here. It is all around me. It's not any easier that my mother is a pastor. (If she reads this I'm roast, you know demons doing their thing kind of thing? Shithole!)
Then there is the obsession with materialism, Jesus! This is not what you taught us, how can I escape?
Honestly, I do not want to die, I am afraid of death actually. But I hate living, it causes me so much pain. Then who brought about motherhood? Puts so much pressure on me. Being like this means I am not the mother that my daughter deserves, but who cares? I have to put my stuff together and figure it out....... No? Shithole!
If I would rewind to 6 years ago, knowing what I know I would choose not to be a mother. Why bring a human to this world and risk them going through the shithole in it? But, I do love her, I do, and if I could, I would shield her from all these freaking drama. I pray that her mind never attacks her, because it is beyond hard, tough or any descriptive word I know.
I am not sure what I'm saying in this article, just thought to write out what my mind is processing right now. I cannot even write some things as they are too messy. But, it is dark here where I am and there is a pinging noise that I cannot control.
ION:
If I ever get some money, I will buy a space, a forest and go away from civilization. There is peace in green.
I am seated here, looking out into the horizon..... Earphones blazing in my ears but I cannot hear the music. The two songs playing and replaying in my ears have no meaning today, just like yesterday, and the day before.......
I feel overwhelmed and alone. A few people want to be there for me and I appreciate that but my mind has locked itself out. I do not enjoy being alive; 99% of the time I am just swimming in this dark world.
It is a Sunday. I hate Sundays! They are the days Christians bring out their self righteous lives to judge and condemn those like me who find themselves finding comfort in sin every so often. I believe in God, I do, no doubt, but I have a problem with His leading people down here. It is all around me. It's not any easier that my mother is a pastor. (If she reads this I'm roast, you know demons doing their thing kind of thing? Shithole!)
Then there is the obsession with materialism, Jesus! This is not what you taught us, how can I escape?
Honestly, I do not want to die, I am afraid of death actually. But I hate living, it causes me so much pain. Then who brought about motherhood? Puts so much pressure on me. Being like this means I am not the mother that my daughter deserves, but who cares? I have to put my stuff together and figure it out....... No? Shithole!
If I would rewind to 6 years ago, knowing what I know I would choose not to be a mother. Why bring a human to this world and risk them going through the shithole in it? But, I do love her, I do, and if I could, I would shield her from all these freaking drama. I pray that her mind never attacks her, because it is beyond hard, tough or any descriptive word I know.
I am not sure what I'm saying in this article, just thought to write out what my mind is processing right now. I cannot even write some things as they are too messy. But, it is dark here where I am and there is a pinging noise that I cannot control.
ION:
If I ever get some money, I will buy a space, a forest and go away from civilization. There is peace in green.
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