Life by Suicide

It is very easy for Psychiatrists and Psychologists to approach suicide and suicidal tendencies from a point of triggers, with the aim of identifying the specific point of origin. My doctor has previously told me that understanding my triggers will go along way into keeping the suicidal tendencies at bay. Of course coupled with medication and therapy.

The more I think about it, the more I study myself, the more the whole trigger story doesn't make sense to me.

Am all about following doctors orders and advice, I don't self medicate, and always stick to my prescription and only leave it after a discussion with my doctor. I understand am my own worst enemy when it comes to mental illness so I do my best in guarding me from myself - I hope that makes sense to someone.

Thing is, I have learnt that I have two separate sections of my brain which work totally differently. The alpha is the inactive section which does not take part in actively influencing things like speech or walking. What it does is work in the background, it gets its way whenever wherever and it determines my course of actions. 

The most dangerous part about this alpha brain of mine is that I do not have control over it, I am yet to identify a way of interacting with it which would help me influence its rule over me. 

The alpha does calculations of things that will happen in the future and then influences the other section of the brain to act without the knowledge of the calculations or the findings of the calculations. Complex ha? Not really. 

A simple example would be, my active brain considers tomorrow a school day and so it does all the psychological and physical preparation for the school day routine. Alpha on the other hand is well aware tomorrow is not a school day so leads me to switch of the alarm (most important part of a school day). Come tomorrow alarm doesn't go off so Bipolar supplies me with all the sleep from all parts of the world, and I wake up say, 2 hours later than I normally would on a school day. I wake up, anxiety kicks in, my baby is late for school and for what? Because for some stupid reason I intentionally put off the alarm. At that point I hate myself, I cannot make out my next move, do I call the teacher and lie, or, do I hurry up and try make up for lost time? Active brain is confused, angry, disappointed, discouraged, anxious, slow and all the ingredients of a good depressing morning.

And then I wake my baby up indicating that we are more than late and I hear the question "late for what?" Rage kicks in, "for school, what's your problem?" "but today is Saturday, let me sleep"... Reality kicks in.

Worst thing is, when reality kicks in the system does not reset to normal - good moods, good rest of the day bla bla bla, instead I get a huge multiplication of whatever bad thoughts, emotions et al that were in my active brain. Everything gets amplified, my motivation levels drop beyond zero and once more I see myself as having failed myself again. 

I don't have to spell it out that before end of that day there will be a suicidal thought or two having crossed my mind. 

So, what was the trigger? Was it the alarm? My conversation with my daughter? Or alpha brain? Because I did nothing wrong switching off the alarm, I needed the sleep and I would not have anticipated such a conversation with my daughter because it was not a school day, so how exactly would I have avoided the so called trigger?

Which was in fault, my active brain or alpha? Because if I hadn't switched off the alarm I would have woken up early only to realize that it was not a school day and probably gone back to bed, but then I wouldn't have have gotten all those bad feelings and thoughts.

In this scenario was I in control of avoiding a trigger to suicidal thoughts?

This alpha, how dangerous is it and is there a brain trap to catch it or something?