The Round Rectangle..........

It is very easy for Psychiatrists and Psychologists to approach suicide and suicidal tendencies from a point of triggers, with the aim of identifying the specific point of origin. My doctor has previously told me that understanding my triggers will go along way into keeping the suicidal tendencies at bay. Of course coupled with medication and therapy. The more I think about it, the more I study myself, the more the whole trigger story doesn't make sense to me. Am all about following doctors orders and advice, I don't self medicate, and always stick to my prescription and only leave it after a discussion with my doctor. I understand am my own worst enemy when it comes to mental illness so I do my best in guarding me from myself - I hope that makes sense to someone. Thing is, I have learnt that I have two separate sections of my brain which work totally differently. The alpha is the inactive section which does not take part in actively influencing things like speech or walking. W...

AsSalaam Alaykum WaRahmatullahi WaBarakatuhu Kenya's most profitable Company - Safaricom's CEO - Bob Collymore was down with cancer in 2018. Most Kenyans learnt of it after he went missing for a few months. When he was back, he received so much love, hashtags such as #walkingwithcollymore  #overcomingcancer came up; it was just touching, I had never seen someone get so much love in Kenya. I was happy for him, that he had accessed world class cancer treatment and conquered. His wife Wambui left everything to be there for him. I even have a friend who works at Safaricom and when his top boss was away for treatment he felt sick as well. He went for prayers - he never did this before - it was indeed a low moment for the country. Now, walk with me down the Journey of Reality. What if Bob Collymore had been diagnosed with a Mental Illness, say Bipolar and not Cancer? What if he had been rescued while attempting suicide? Would the love have been there? Well, those of us with o...

This is my first blog after the suicide note.... I have been thinking about it for a long time, it scares, am no longer whom I used to be. I was a closed book on the shelf, now I am an open book on the street, and many have read me. Being all over the media with ny story is chilling, and it not a good feeling. Most think that it is the road to healing, but no, it is not. The road to healing is quiet and private, inside my psychologist's room and inside my head. This other public road is a sacrifice, a sacrifice I have made for the young girls and boys growing up who should never experience rape. A sacrifice for my cousin who hanged himself before having had the chance to share the pain he felt, and so I sacrifice so that no one has to die the suicidal way. A sacrifice for those who are close to people with suicidal ideations, so that they do not throw them out to the dogs for misinformation. A sacrifice for the Mental Health community, that has been shut off due the invisibi...

This place feels good, there is peace, there is tranquility. Am fired up, I have been here before, but I have never been this fired up, I wish I had this much motivation in my previous years. I am headed to a place where my rapists will no longer invade my nights, humans will no longer torture my emotions, there shall be no religion to judge me anymore. My shortcomings shall not be recited to me. Oh how sweet it shall be. I want the exit to be enjoyable, for me, I want to enjoy the pain of life one more time, I want to feel that for once I have brought freedom to myself and the pain will not torture me, it will free me. I no longer feel hopeless, or irrelevant  or weak or alone, or unloved, or ugly... Oh my, I feel so in-charge, I feel like a hero for chartering my own peace. No more lies from humans, no more of that bad stuff. I remember I have a daughter, am sorry to her, and some people who call themselves family - ooohh pliz! Maybe they will never forgive me, but doe...

Friends and acquaintances... I will leave family out of this.. I have taken time to look back at my relationships with friends and acquaintances, the memories, the photos, videos et al.. I have also taken time to sweep through Facebook and other social media pages just to see the trends... One thing is true, most of all that is shown out to the world; photos and videos with the people in our lives while we are happy with them, or standing there for each other during the tough times, still looking good and dressed well.  Where photos of hospital or such sad times are posted, they are limited to just a few, to create the illusion of improvement. What happens when you want to take a lovely selfie yet your friend is not looking all glam as you are? Would you still take the selfie if your friend is all laid back and stepped out in sleep clothes? Would you still laugh with your friend if your friend is having "light up" issues and is looking not exactly as good as "he...

"We all want our children to accomplish big things..." No! I do not want that for my child! I have heard that statement too many times. Parents describing how they would want their children to be the best, doctors, lawyers, athletes, with one big talent or another. Some parents go to the extent of bribing their way for their children's excellence. Parents will push and push and push their children to better grades in school, to certain "cool" friendship circles. As they get into adulthood, they will push them into what they consider ideal mannerisms, designer clothes, and lifestyle expectations. Children will live most of their lives trying to achieve life standards set by others, their parents included. Being at the point I am in life, having seen what I have, having lost what I have, gained what I have, I have a different approach to parenthood. MY CHILD DOES NOT OWE ME A CERTAIN KIND OF LIFE! I AM THE ONE WHO OWES MY CHILD. Be...

Shithole! I am seated here, looking out into the horizon.....  Earphones blazing in my ears but I cannot hear the music. The two songs playing and replaying in my ears have no meaning today, just like yesterday, and the day before....... I feel overwhelmed and alone. A few people want to be there for me and I appreciate that but my mind has locked itself out. I do not enjoy being alive; 99% of the time I am just swimming in this dark world. It is a Sunday. I hate Sundays! They are the days Christians bring out their self righteous lives to judge and condemn those like me who find themselves finding comfort in sin every so often. I believe in God, I do, no doubt, but I have a problem with His leading people down here. It is all around me. It's not any easier that my mother is a pastor. (If she reads this I'm roast, you know demons doing their thing kind of thing? Shithole!) Then there is the obsession with materialism, Jesus! This is not what you taught us, how ...

Am not sure this one will go well with some people. Oh wait, just remembered am not on a people pleasing mission. So, getting on with it, am not at a very good place right now, few weeks ago, for the second time, people I had devoted my time to, betrayed me. Rewind… Am that kind of person who really goes out of my when I decide to. You know I put in my time, resources and literally just sacrifice for whatever I put my mind to doing. This means that when people involved decide to ‘ef’ me up, it goes really nasty on my mind. Play… Within the first half of this year, I have faced tremendous betrayal through this dedication habit I have. The first time I, you know, applied my shock absorbers, my meds and somehow managed to seem to push through (little did I know). Then came the second time, it caught me too much off-guard, plus it was accompanied by a bad physical illness attack and this time I had no shock absorbers. Just as I was trying to figure out if am in a dream or al...

My Cousin Job Passed on. Let me rephrase that; My Cousin Job took his life.. - wait, he couldn't have taken his life, he always had it. Let me rephrase that too; MY COUSIN COMMITTED SUICIDE. By Hanging. The Pain... It is exactly 12 days today 12 June 2018 since my cousin hanged himself. It is exactly 12 days since he did what I couldn't do - Get through with it. See I have attempted suicide before, not once, not twice and it's not a pretty thing to live with. Even rape is prettier. Rewind. I write this because of pain. And am from a sitting with some two friends of mine and I told them that my cousin committed suicide and they said "you know someone who has attempted suicide before gets through with it at some point" - I swallowed hard, felt a sharp pain in my chest... Who is this cousin I speak of? Job was the last born of my maternal aunt, and at age 22 it got to him. I am in pain, pain from different sides. I am in pain of loss, for having l...

Valentine, you are such a strong woman, I wouldn't handle half of what you have gone through. You know what happens to bullet proof glass if you kept shooting at it? It shatters, over and over again from the inside, but, still stays strong. And then the deal breaker shot is fired and Boom! The glass shatters into small pieces. Pieces which cannot be put back together. The only way to bring this back together is to heat the glass under high temperatures, melt it and form it into another shape of glass altogether. You know what happens to normal glass when you throw a stone to it? It breaks, into large peaces. These pieces can be glued back together. So next time, take this into consideration before you call someone strong. There is a thin line between strong and damaged.

Many have asked me recently if I am still in Rotary or not, why? Well, because I was frequently posting nice Rotary experiences on Social Media which I no longer do. It is like celebrities, you know how they post their 'baes' on social media then stop and speculation of break-ups start? Well, that kind of thing. In my case though, I stopped posting on social media all-together, but most of my social media friends did not notice that, and if they did, the right question would have been "I no longer see you post on social media, are you well?" That's besides the point. I write this with so much fear of possible stigma that may follow me. I have not been in Rotary for a while now. "But why Valentine? You were so active.." I know, I was there. I have not been in Rotary because I got sick and I got broke. "Oh shoot, you seemed so healthy all through.." I know, it is not a physical illness, it is mental. Let's not talk about the money, it...

Am constantly called strong, yet am constantly doubting it. The biggest challenge in my life is the emptiness that engulfs me whenever I open up to someone about my mental struggles and they walk away. Opening up eats away a part of me, exposing my vulnerability more than the previous time. To the rest of the crowd it seems easier each time because I get to tell a deeper story, to me it's harder each time. Will you start viewing me different when you finish reading this? There is a thin line between strong and damaged, it is hard to tell where I lie. My only prayer is that my tear, my struggle and my pain impacts a life positively by shining a ray hope upon despair. Am not sure about being lonely, but I am sure I am alone. My fake smiles, fake happy attitudes and other weird kind of fakes make daylight easier to live through in the face of this stugmatising world. So when someone says am awesome, how would I know I actually am? Been doing this for so long I sometime...

I have had my share of experiences that have altered my perspective in my short life. Child Birth, Multiple Surgeries, long hospital stays, ICU, Rejection, Loss through death,  Depression, Bankruptcy, Business Mistakes, Business successes, Great Networks, Charity Work, Friendships, Adventures  e. t. c. And Mountain Climbing has joined this list of experiences that have deeply influenced my life. I am born and raised in what they call Mt. Kenya region but I had never really thought of Mount Kenya beyond seeing snow on it's peak from a distance. In December of 2016, I joined a team that went to receive a team of Rotarian climbers that was coming down Mt. Kenya. When I listened to all the climbers recount their experiences, I knew I was challenged and a year would not pass before I also went up the Mountain. I volunteer at The Metropolitan Sanctuary for Children With Disabilities - Nyeri, and every year they send a team(s) of volunteer fundraisers to go up Mt. Kenya aimi...

Finally my call to the Love Factory Customer Service was picked, we all know how long that 'on hold' moment can be. Always good to make the call early to allow for the waiting period. So, the customer service representative asked for my description and Confirmed availability, and I gave my address for delivery purposes. Then tension, butterflies and anxiety creeped in, fear of numerous unknowns, past mistakes and so many other things. Long story short, Love was delivered to my door sooner than I had actually expected but hey, I was not about to start complaining. I am a master 'smiler' so I went ahead to open the door with this huge smile that would melt even the strongest king. Love was standing right there leaning on my door in such a pose that was meant to just dismantle my thinking capabilities. Damn! Did I not just love this new delivery? Handsome, right age, right taste and all those little toppings Love comes with (you feel me girls?). Love: You must be the l...

I Valentine Nyakiere - granddaughter of my grandmother, am a people's person. I thrive around company, my brain fires up amongst voices and my blood rushes where impact is made. When I came across Rotary, I did not quite grasp it at first, I can say an initial proper orientation had not been done at the time.  Then I came across it again, and someone sat me down, told me all about Rotary, and why I was wasting my energy being away from Rotary. So I jumped in, I did not put in one foot to test the waters, or seat by the edge to observe others first, no, I jumped in.  One of my strengths, which at times doubles up as a weakness is that, when I put my mind to something, then I give it my all. That means, that when that thing succeeds it really lifts my spirits, and that the fail of that thing could mean a personal destruction. Of all the things I have put my mind to that failed, I have never faced a personal destruction, I go through shock but then spring up, when I remembe...

Today I have been throwing out Clatter from my bedroom, mostly my study table, handbags, and the bedside table. I have filled a black garbage bag and what seemed like busy tables have been left with just some few items - only those that I need - essentials. My tables look much more inviting, I can access with ease those things that I need to attend to immediately.  During the same exercise, I have come across this writing that I had written on a book back when I was in India. I was suffering - I can recall - and it is also evident from it's length, depth and suspense. When I saw this I broke do wn, I sat on my bed, then knelt on the floor, as images flushed through my head, images of worried Kenyans next to my ICU bed back in India during the one time I was conscious. Images of my difficult diagnosis (plural), images of my scared mother, images of my confused daughter. Images of a pale mother when I bid goodbye at the airport for India (I went alone). Images of my inflamed ...

"Valentine you are a very strong Lady." More often than not I have heard this phrase from family, friends and acquaintances. Do I agree? Yes and No. Mostly No. Those that know me very well, know that there has been some really tough times in my life, those which are even near death situations. Some are outright embarrassing, and some have pushed me into depression at some point in my life. So, have all these experiences made me stronger? I do not think so. Of-course they have made me wiser but definitely not stronger. Strong is the word used on us who have undergone circumstantial change. These experiences have not made me stronger, they have changed me, a great deal. Maybe for the better, maybe not, depends on how you look at it. I always thought I was the only one who felt that way, until a high school friend posted "There's no 'stronger' What doesn't kill you ****s you up mentally and makes you unbearable to the rest of humanity...

Will you cry at my funeral? Will you eulogise me with kind words? Will you send my family some money for their troubles? Will you put my image as your profile photo on Social media? Will you gather up with other mutual friends to share those nice memories about me? Will you view my lifeless body at the morgue? Will you buy the freshest of roses that I will never see? Will you have moments of silence to just think about me? Will you feel pity at my daughter for being left motherless? Will you curse that I died with your debt? Will you wish you were a better friend while I was alive? Will you wish you had picked my call when I last called you before my demise? How long will it take you to forget me after I am gone? These are questions that I found myself asking an imaginary friend in my head. I sat and thought about the people I interact with, the people I laugh with, the people I often call and I wondered what kind of friends, acquintances and loved ones that I have. I ...

Carrying a pregnancy is taking a gamble on one's life. I am a mother, I have a carried a pregnancy for nine months and two weeks. It was a swift journey till delivery when I rubbed shoulders with death (refer to previous posts on this experience). Am not writing to scare anyone, no, after all mothering has been going on for thousands of years. All am saying is, in gambling, the house always wins, but in rare occasions, it loses. These things happen. Such is life. When you take a gamble, you cannot transfer the gamble midway, you have to either carry it on to the end or abort it midway. The journey that is gambling and/or pregnancy happens to be a personal one to an extent, and only those close enough understand the feel. I am in the midst of a gamble as I type this and it is not an easy one as such. It is a risk I am proud to have taken and willing to see it through. I have noted though, that I have matured, I have developed thick skin, and it is not easy to disappoint me. How ...

The body never gets used to pain - so I have learnt (the hard way). With each prick, each needle, each line tissue comes a new pain as though the body has never felt it. The face learns to fake bravery but the brain will almost always betray it. In the last one year ave had my brush with hospitals, and quite some pain. It being the second time am having my health tested in 4 years, am yet to get used to it. I still cry while alone on my hospital bed, I still get scared of falling asleep lest I sleep forever, I still worry over the pain I put my family through and even then I cannot wish a single of it on my worst enemy.  My bestie tells me am stronger each time I overcome a trying situation, and I want to believe it, I really do, I just cannot beat my chest over it. I have my low moments and today is one of them, I shed a tear when the nurse put the third niddle through my skin, as she held the other two bleeding areas. The site of my own blood got to me and it suddenly occured t...