The Round Rectangle..........

AsSalaam Alaykum WaRahmatullahi WaBarakatuhu Kenya's most profitable Company - Safaricom's CEO - Bob Collymore was down with cancer in 2018. Most Kenyans learnt of it after he went missing for a few months. When he was back, he received so much love, hashtags such as #walkingwithcollymore  #overcomingcancer came up; it was just touching, I had never seen someone get so much love in Kenya. I was happy for him, that he had accessed world class cancer treatment and conquered. His wife Wambui left everything to be there for him. I even have a friend who works at Safaricom and when his top boss was away for treatment he felt sick as well. He went for prayers - he never did this before - it was indeed a low moment for the country. Now, walk with me down the Journey of Reality. What if Bob Collymore had been diagnosed with a Mental Illness, say Bipolar and not Cancer? What if he had been rescued while attempting suicide? Would the love have been there? Well, those of us with o

This is my first blog after the suicide note.... I have been thinking about it for a long time, it scares, am no longer whom I used to be. I was a closed book on the shelf, now I am an open book on the street, and many have read me. Being all over the media with ny story is chilling, and it not a good feeling. Most think that it is the road to healing, but no, it is not. The road to healing is quiet and private, inside my psychologist's room and inside my head. This other public road is a sacrifice, a sacrifice I have made for the young girls and boys growing up who should never experience rape. A sacrifice for my cousin who hanged himself before having had the chance to share the pain he felt, and so I sacrifice so that no one has to die the suicidal way. A sacrifice for those who are close to people with suicidal ideations, so that they do not throw them out to the dogs for misinformation. A sacrifice for the Mental Health community, that has been shut off due the invisibi

This place feels good, there is peace, there is tranquility. Am fired up, I have been here before, but I have never been this fired up, I wish I had this much motivation in my previous years. I am headed to a place where my rapists will no longer invade my nights, humans will no longer torture my emotions, there shall be no religion to judge me anymore. My shortcomings shall not be recited to me. Oh how sweet it shall be. I want the exit to be enjoyable, for me, I want to enjoy the pain of life one more time, I want to feel that for once I have brought freedom to myself and the pain will not torture me, it will free me. I no longer feel hopeless, or irrelevant  or weak or alone, or unloved, or ugly... Oh my, I feel so in-charge, I feel like a hero for chartering my own peace. No more lies from humans, no more of that bad stuff. I remember I have a daughter, am sorry to her, and some people who call themselves family - ooohh pliz! Maybe they will never forgive me, but does it

Friends and acquaintances... I will leave family out of this.. I have taken time to look back at my relationships with friends and acquaintances, the memories, the photos, videos et al.. I have also taken time to sweep through Facebook and other social media pages just to see the trends... One thing is true, most of all that is shown out to the world; photos and videos with the people in our lives while we are happy with them, or standing there for each other during the tough times, still looking good and dressed well.  Where photos of hospital or such sad times are posted, they are limited to just a few, to create the illusion of improvement. What happens when you want to take a lovely selfie yet your friend is not looking all glam as you are? Would you still take the selfie if your friend is all laid back and stepped out in sleep clothes? Would you still laugh with your friend if your friend is having "light up" issues and is looking not exactly as good as "he

"We all want our children to accomplish big things..." No! I do not want that for my child! I have heard that statement too many times. Parents describing how they would want their children to be the best, doctors, lawyers, athletes, with one big talent or another. Some parents go to the extent of bribing their way for their children's excellence. Parents will push and push and push their children to better grades in school, to certain "cool" friendship circles. As they get into adulthood, they will push them into what they consider ideal mannerisms, designer clothes, and lifestyle expectations. Children will live most of their lives trying to achieve life standards set by others, their parents included. Being at the point I am in life, having seen what I have, having lost what I have, gained what I have, I have a different approach to parenthood. MY CHILD DOES NOT OWE ME A CERTAIN KIND OF LIFE! I AM THE ONE WHO OWES MY CHILD. Be

Shithole! I am seated here, looking out into the horizon.....  Earphones blazing in my ears but I cannot hear the music. The two songs playing and replaying in my ears have no meaning today, just like yesterday, and the day before....... I feel overwhelmed and alone. A few people want to be there for me and I appreciate that but my mind has locked itself out. I do not enjoy being alive; 99% of the time I am just swimming in this dark world. It is a Sunday. I hate Sundays! They are the days Christians bring out their self righteous lives to judge and condemn those like me who find themselves finding comfort in sin every so often. I believe in God, I do, no doubt, but I have a problem with His leading people down here. It is all around me. It's not any easier that my mother is a pastor. (If she reads this I'm roast, you know demons doing their thing kind of thing? Shithole!) Then there is the obsession with materialism, Jesus! This is not what you taught us, how